Most people do when they are looking for a person to marry is that they compromise simply because they fell time is running out, and ‘everyone is getting married’, and because parents and those well meaning relatives will stop nagging. If the prospective match meets about 60 percent of what one has in min (after meeting several people who matched only 35-40 percent, one gets fed up of searching for the perfect one too), they go ahead and say yes. Everyone is ecstatic for a few days and congratulations start streaming in.
Trouble usually starts after around five-six months of knowing each other really well. doubts then creep up and it makes one wonder if this is the right person to marry. The thing is, one can never be a hundred percent certain. There is bound to be a little apprehension and a little fear. After all, you are treading into unknown territory.
Marriage is usually a lifetime of adjustments and compromises. Sometimes they work out and at other times, while they are not serious enough to warrant a divorce, they are irritating enough to ruin your peace of mind. Marriage then becomes a cross to carry-a doomed if I do and doomed if don’t kind of situation.
‘So is there really something called the “right person” ?’ And how to you know whether he is the right person for you ? Or how does he know if I am the right girl for him ?
Marriage is a risk that you take, hoping you will grow together as individuals. The couple may find that they are strangers living under the same roof. But that comes later. Every marriage to have a chance of success there has to be a certain amount of compatibility and similar interests to begin with.
Being in love is great, but research shows that it is not possible to sustain the same level of passion for extended periods of time without burning out. We have to remember that love is a trap that nature sets to get us to reproduce. When you first fall in love, it’s oxytocin at work. Oxytocin is the ‘cuddle hormone’ that plays a great role in maternal bonding and sex. Whey you are under its spell, Mr Average-okay-guy becomes Mr Amazingly-perfect-cute-funny-charming guy. it takes at least two years of living together or a baby–whichever is earlier- for its effect to diminish.
Be clinical and analyse if you share the same values and have the same attitude to life. How important, is money to you and to him ? What about a sense of humour ? Do you both find the same things funny ? What about common interests ? Do you both like books, sports, movies, watching television ? How important is physical fitness to you ? To him ? After about four or five years of marriage, these are the things that will sustain you. What is his attitude towards pets ? Is one of you an animal lover, and the other thinks that the best place for animals is in a zoo ? If so, at some point of time, you are going to have a problem, unless you decide in advance that there will be no place for pets in your home, for life.
Don’t go by what he looks like right now. Picture him ten years hence. He may have gone bald. The stress that he will face in his professional life will surely begin to take its toll. He may look older then he is. He may begin to grey. Those muscular arms that you fawn over right now may be replaced by sagging muscles. It is a scientifically proven fact that, after the age of twenty, we begin to lose approximately half a pound of muscle mass a year. Will you still love him no matter what he looks like ? The same goes for her looks too. She may gain weight. Shy may lose her hair or chop it all off. She may lose her sex appeal. Her body will have stretch marks and cellulite. Will she still beautiful in your eyes ?
Watch how he behaves. Observe how he treats waiters at a restaurant. Make a not of how he behaves towards your male friends. Look at how he behaves with others-colleagues, shopkeepers, your women friends, his parents, his siblings. The same goes for guys. Watch what her attitude towards people is. Does she have a kind heart ? Is kindness an important quality for you ? Is she social, introverted, extroverted ? Do you like her basic personality and nature ?
Also examine your attitude towards children. Having children is no joke. It is extremely demanding of both partners. There will be major lifestyle changes that need to be made. There will be night after night of a bawling baby, cleaning poop, breastfeeding, changing diapers, batching, vaccinations, and visits to doctors. By the end of it all, I think a visit o the supermarket would count as an evening out. I am sure many parents can relate. There is joy too in it-the awesome, overwhelming feeling when you first hold your newborn and the realisation that YOU are now totally and wholly responsible for another life, those little button eyes that adore you, those little humans who love you unconditionally and thing you are better and prettier than Miss Universe, that absolutely fabulous hug makes it all worth it- provided he and you want the same thing.
In the end, there are only so many points that one can consider and tick off. The fact is, marriage is a long journey with an every changing set of rules and a large amount of unpredictability. Nothing prepares you for the game of life. Things happen to us which change us in ways we never thought possible. Keeping a marriage going through all that is a lot of hard work.
If your partner has been there for you through the good times and the bad, and if you have been there for your partner and, years later, if you are still each other’s best friend, they you have hit the jackpot. But how much are you willing to invest in a marriage, and do the positives outweigh the negatives that a marriage brings ? Those remain the question for which the only person with the correct answer is you.